I was wondering what I was going to talk about today, but I think I need to talk this out. Depression. Again Dictionary.com defines as: a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason. There are two types, clinical (which I have) which is caused by a chemical imbalance (in my case add anxiety) and situational which can be caused by death, divorce, loss of any type and I could go on. What I think happened to me was a blend of my clinical along with a string of unfortunate events I could not control.
About 6 years ago we lost my step father. I was sad at his loss, but to see my mother in such a very sad state devastated me. What I thought would be a few days off work ended up being the week of bereavement given by the district.
Recently (August) I lost my step mother. That was a loss I could only compare slightly to my divorce. Getting over a loved one is hard. I was a lot closer to her than my step father, so the loss was a deeper wound. She was a wonderful woman who stirred it up where ever she went. In my experience she was one of those people who could brighten a room of people with a dirty joke and a sly smile. My kind of person. But the sadness my father is still experiencing is breaking my heart.
Now, I am struggling with my siblings who feel my father just wants to be sad. Well why shouldn't he be sad? Kathleen was perfectly healthy, so healthy that 2 weeks before she died she was bragging about how her Dr. had commented on how healthy she was. You cannot foresee a stroke. So, Daddy has had to endure his loss along with Thanksgiving and Christmas all within 5 months of her passing. She was a retired Home Ec. teacher so think of those holidays without her cooking. Grieving is healthy.
I do not believe you can tell someone to stop grieving and it happens. It is a process and it is not the same length for everyone. My mother still reflects on my step father and she misses him. However, she has gone on with her life and meeting someone new helped. (2 years later) It is still fresh for my father. Daddy is 76 and has lost his best friend. If I lost my best friend, Jackie, I would be a hot mess. He does not want to grieve in public so he likes to go home to be sad. He looks at her pictures and watches her memory CD and feels closer to her. What is wrong with that. He still goes places and answers the phone.
Grieving has many different phases: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I think that he is on level 4/5 is pretty good. I have been divorced for 10.5 years and have gone back and forth over all the phases. Even though I know the divorce was a good thing, I still get angry over 2 educated adults acting that way....one of my spiral issues was realizing that this next month I should have been celebrating my 25th wedding anniversary....then when Bob comes home kisses, hugs me and asks how I am feeling...acceptance/tolerance is so powerful. See, as miserable as you all have been reading about my pain, he has been living it along with me. I love him. So the next time you see us around, buy the guy a beer, he could really use it.
So, I guess what I want to express here is that just because you think someone is grieving too long....have some empathy....
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