Day 10 of blues

I have been spiraling downward for months.  This last cliff jumping spiral started the 19th.  I organized a cookie baking extravaganza for my and Bob's girls.  The day was awesome.  We made tons of cookies and when things were almost finished, started talking about Christmas.  You see, with 6 kids between the two of us (4 are his and 2 of mine) I start early organizing for the holidays.   November 11th,  I sent out a facebook message to everyone talking about Thanksgiving, The Cookie Extravaganza and Christmas.  The exact quote was (Christmas is on a Saturday.....are we in for the same schedule? Christmas evening for the Muehl-Parr Christmas?) Soooo, when we started to make final arrangements for food on Christmas, his girls thought we were getting together Christmas Eve.  I mentioned the facebook message and nothing was said.  Well, here we go.  Their mother was so upset over the confusion that a giant argument started, so what happens.  Bob is called and asked if WE can change our plans.  Well, any change would cause our kids to not ALL be together.  His ex refused to change, even though it was her kids with the misunderstanding, and a change in her schedule would still have ALL her kids together.  So here I was left with having kids call me and say..."we don't know what to do?" Leaving me with what usually happens, changing my arrangements to make everyone but me and my kids happy.  When I refused to commit, then they started calling their father crying about the awful things their mother and step father were saying.  I try very hard to organize a wonderful holiday.  So now he is coming to me to decide what to do.  His oldest son (with another ex) claimed I had sent an email abbreviating evening.  Ummm....first of all, I do not have everyone's email and  2nd the original message was sent to his wife not him.  PMS has now arrived....I am livid that it all comes down to me to organize and then to fix when someone else screws up.  It gets old.  Basically, I became an emotional basket case.  Always being the one to have to compromise because we are easy going.  What kind of power does this lady have that her kids and ex refuse to stand up to her and why can't she ever have to compromise?  Things kept getting worse, Bob and I were having the worst arguments we have ever had in 5 years.  I just want to run away.  So instead of an awesome Christmas, we are left with 2 half ass Christmases. 

Now, Christmas Eve arrives and we are preparing for his kids to come over.  They come over, eat, open presents, drink, and play games.  When the whole half ass evening ends....I am laying in bed and Bob is in his computer chair bummed out.  I ask what is up.  He looks at me and asked if I had opened any presents because he did not (he was playing Santa).  I went downstairs to get the 2 gift cards his girls gave us and  brought them up.  Then he mentioned he did not get anything from Bobby and Rachel (the oldest who is 29)
and wondered what he had done to piss them off.  Now I am pissed. 

The next day, we get together at my daughter's house for another half assed Christmas.  So then, Sunday the spiral continued and on into Monday with a whole litany if BS I had to contend with and now today.  I am so depressed I just want to leave town and never be seen again.  I am tired of worry about everyone else's feelings that mine are not even an after thought with anyone EVER until I break. 

So today I made some lists and am going to try to go on from there.  I'm sure from someone else's perspective I sound very self centered and uncompromising, but I usually am the total opposite and have just lost my mind because of it.

Things I am devistated about

1.     fat

2.     ugly

3.     family

4.     lonely

5.     broke

6.     feel as though I am needed for the wrong reasons

7.     emotions

8.     unsatisfied

9.     forgotten

10.   ignored

11.   no goals

12.   lack of affection & attention

13    conversation

14.    crying for 10 days straight

15.    life

16.    no walks

17.    no hand holding

18.    not respected

19.    letting work take over my entire life as an escape from the crappy one

20.     bored

21.     basically stagnant

22.    do not want to wake up anymore

Things that need to change

1.     goals

2.     purpose 

3.     fun

4.     laughing

5.     needed for the right reasons

6.     feeling of worthlessness

7.     friendship

8.     romance

9.     trying new things (food, movies, plays, music, parks, festivals, wines, ect.

10.  The want to come home after work

Reasons I fell in love

1.     made me laugh

2.     laughed at my imperfections

3.     accepted my imperfections

4.     gave me my first valentine present – rooster mugs and chocolate covered strawberries

5.     wrote me a poem

6.     bought me a hunting coat – I viewed that as wanting to spend more time with me

7.     bought me a skillet I really wanted

8.     played games

9.     loved on me

10.   listened

11.   soft spoken

12.    cared how I felt

13.    cooked for me

14.    was never negative toward me

15.    lots of friends

16.    appreciative

17.    gave me a reason to wake up

18.    gave me a reason to look forward to the weekends

19.    visited Indiana with me

20    did not purposefully try to hurt me

21.