Today is my birthday. 45...wow 1/2 way to 90. It is official that I am now standing on the hill looking out over the past and future. Thinking about that can be overwhelming, but also encouraging. The past can be painful and I am feeling like it will become less painful as I creep down the other side of the hill.
I can remember when I was about 12 I decided I would not hold my older sister's hand in public. The reason to me at that time was that I did not want anyone to think I was gay. My sisters 12 years older and you can imagine how many times she had to babysit me and take care of me. She stated that it really hurt her feelings. 12 twas the age, for me, not wanting anyone to have a reason to criticize me. Clothes, hair, makeup, music and interests were all tailored to what was acceptable for pre-teen years. Oh, how I have been repaid not only by my own children when they entered these years of public humiliation, but the fact I am in purgatory teaching middle school.
My children were totally humiliated by me. Being a teacher tends to erase those boundaries of when to correct other people's children and when not to. The grocery store, mall or an amusement park were areas they dreaded most because I had no problem correcting whomever was around. Singing in the grocery store, or complaining in a restaurant would send them under the table to hide. However, my kids have gotten even.
As they grew out of the awkward don't look at me don't say that in public phase they have gotten even. The most laughable and embarrassing time was shopping with both of them in a Yankee Candle store. Both would either pick up a candle and state, not in a whisper, "OMG this smells like ass", or they would shove the candle in my face saying "MOM, smell this it smells like ass". Geeze, I couldn't be more proud. Or the time we were walking out of Famous & Barr and I hear behind me "butt hole licker". I whip around and snarl "TARA". Tara yells, "WHY ARE YOU BLAMING ME? IT WAS NIKKI". I look at my oldest daughter (20) and with the most precious innocent face smiles. Touche.....
Now that I am a Grammy, the past is the past and I am looking forward to the future. Birthdays, Christmas, baseball games and school events. Bring it on....the more I slide down that hill the less I will see of the past and will be able to focus on the future. I want to focus on being healthy, good to others and happy.
Bring on the next 45, I have learned from my mistakes and this will be the best 45 yet.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Dancing, Weight lifting, Grocery Shopping and Snow Days.
I have been reflecting a lot this past 2 weeks. Reflection is good if you are doing it for positive results. Yesterday would have been my 25th wedding anniversary. I truly meant to blog yesterday with those disappointed feelings, but decided to think on it instead. I want this blog to be positive and the more I thought of it, my divorce was positive. I have grown as my own person so much since it, but it is hard not thinking about what could/should have been. So, I want to talk more about what has been going on the past two weeks. I do not have any one deep thought so I will be jumping around a bit.
Exercise is going well for me. I have discovered Zumba. Zumba is an awesome workout combining
Now, I want to tell you that I am very dance challenged. This class gets you to move and feel sexy even if you are so far from looking it. The music is a cultural mix of beats, sounds and speed. At one point I stopped to see what everyone else looked like and I almost fell on the floor laughing. Not one person was even close to the little hottie running the show. So....when I get really confused I just move around like I know what I am doing checking everyone out. What a hoot. I have even gotten my principal to agree to Zumba as an energizer for our next Professional Development day. (well, it is culturally diverse, hee hee)
Once I discovered Zumba, I turned my attention to another class I was curious about (Body Pump). I show up to this class only knowing it was some sort of barbell lifting class. Basically, you have a step bench in front of you with a mat, a barbell, and weights (2.5, 5, & 10 lbs). The class is a lifting class choreographed to punish every muscle in your body. My back was killing me, but that is an area I am trying to strengthen. It was not necessarily the next day, but 2 days later I was popping Ibuprofen to function. So, I kept repeating a friend's comment "pain is weakness leaving the body". Riiiiggggghhhht.
What is every one's idea of the price of groceries. OMG...just when you think you are cutting corners the prices rise again. This Sunday, Bob and I discussed groceries. Sooooo, I made the comment about going to Sam's and biting the bullet and stock up on all the things we buy every week. Planning with Bob was fun. We share the cooking so it really has to be a team effort. 350 painful dollars later we are successfully stocked up for at least 3 weeks worth of meals. If this plan works, we should only have to spend about $50 a week on odds and ends.
Snow days...hmmmm....nice when they are here...but when the end of the school year is here I want out and I want out NOW. My school district has 6 days built into the school calendar. Therefore, if we do not use them we get out of school earlier. Whooo Hoooo. We already have a school calendar longer than most schools so why not? Yesterday, my peers and students were walking around praying for snow. Now, I love being able to have a day off that sub plans are not needed, but I cannot help think about the end of the year. When the end nears, peers and students will be, again, complaining about the length of our school year and what districts start after us and end before us. All I keep thinking is that if we had not used those stupid days we would be out and I could enjoy the awesome wonderful fabulous summer weather. I wish we could have year round school. Now wait a minute. Think about this....teach 9 weeks off 3 weeks with a nice winter break and a break in the summer. I have not had a fall vacation in 17 years and that is my favorite season. My burnout level would be greatly reduced. Just a thought.
Love ya,
Lisa
Exercise is going well for me. I have discovered Zumba. Zumba is an awesome workout combining
high energy and motivating music with synchronized dance movements designed for any fitness level. |
Once I discovered Zumba, I turned my attention to another class I was curious about (Body Pump). I show up to this class only knowing it was some sort of barbell lifting class. Basically, you have a step bench in front of you with a mat, a barbell, and weights (2.5, 5, & 10 lbs). The class is a lifting class choreographed to punish every muscle in your body. My back was killing me, but that is an area I am trying to strengthen. It was not necessarily the next day, but 2 days later I was popping Ibuprofen to function. So, I kept repeating a friend's comment "pain is weakness leaving the body". Riiiiggggghhhht.
What is every one's idea of the price of groceries. OMG...just when you think you are cutting corners the prices rise again. This Sunday, Bob and I discussed groceries. Sooooo, I made the comment about going to Sam's and biting the bullet and stock up on all the things we buy every week. Planning with Bob was fun. We share the cooking so it really has to be a team effort. 350 painful dollars later we are successfully stocked up for at least 3 weeks worth of meals. If this plan works, we should only have to spend about $50 a week on odds and ends.
Snow days...hmmmm....nice when they are here...but when the end of the school year is here I want out and I want out NOW. My school district has 6 days built into the school calendar. Therefore, if we do not use them we get out of school earlier. Whooo Hoooo. We already have a school calendar longer than most schools so why not? Yesterday, my peers and students were walking around praying for snow. Now, I love being able to have a day off that sub plans are not needed, but I cannot help think about the end of the year. When the end nears, peers and students will be, again, complaining about the length of our school year and what districts start after us and end before us. All I keep thinking is that if we had not used those stupid days we would be out and I could enjoy the awesome wonderful fabulous summer weather. I wish we could have year round school. Now wait a minute. Think about this....teach 9 weeks off 3 weeks with a nice winter break and a break in the summer. I have not had a fall vacation in 17 years and that is my favorite season. My burnout level would be greatly reduced. Just a thought.
Love ya,
Lisa
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Goals for the New year
I looked at my list of things that need to be change. Some I can change and some will change by the domino effect. So why not start at the top and see what happens.
#1 Goals
a. Continue to work out...how about -10 by February. I need obtainable goals or I will just quit.
b. Take my job seriously, but not to where it is my life like now.
c. Continue golfing - the girl time is priceless and the effects last for days.
d. To appreciate the half full glass.
#2 Purpose
a. I have purpose, but my cloud covers it a lot. Burn out will cover it too.
#3 Fun
a. #1 is helping and I am going to persuade Bob to get into this one too.
#4 Laughing
a. I really do laugh a lot. Laughing makes me feel good, it is really missed when I am down.
Starting with these 4 items ought to help.
#1 Goals
a. Continue to work out...how about -10 by February. I need obtainable goals or I will just quit.
b. Take my job seriously, but not to where it is my life like now.
c. Continue golfing - the girl time is priceless and the effects last for days.
d. To appreciate the half full glass.
#2 Purpose
a. I have purpose, but my cloud covers it a lot. Burn out will cover it too.
#3 Fun
a. #1 is helping and I am going to persuade Bob to get into this one too.
#4 Laughing
a. I really do laugh a lot. Laughing makes me feel good, it is really missed when I am down.
Starting with these 4 items ought to help.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
The Good and Bad of Depression
I was wondering what I was going to talk about today, but I think I need to talk this out. Depression. Again Dictionary.com defines as: a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason. There are two types, clinical (which I have) which is caused by a chemical imbalance (in my case add anxiety) and situational which can be caused by death, divorce, loss of any type and I could go on. What I think happened to me was a blend of my clinical along with a string of unfortunate events I could not control.
About 6 years ago we lost my step father. I was sad at his loss, but to see my mother in such a very sad state devastated me. What I thought would be a few days off work ended up being the week of bereavement given by the district.
Recently (August) I lost my step mother. That was a loss I could only compare slightly to my divorce. Getting over a loved one is hard. I was a lot closer to her than my step father, so the loss was a deeper wound. She was a wonderful woman who stirred it up where ever she went. In my experience she was one of those people who could brighten a room of people with a dirty joke and a sly smile. My kind of person. But the sadness my father is still experiencing is breaking my heart.
Now, I am struggling with my siblings who feel my father just wants to be sad. Well why shouldn't he be sad? Kathleen was perfectly healthy, so healthy that 2 weeks before she died she was bragging about how her Dr. had commented on how healthy she was. You cannot foresee a stroke. So, Daddy has had to endure his loss along with Thanksgiving and Christmas all within 5 months of her passing. She was a retired Home Ec. teacher so think of those holidays without her cooking. Grieving is healthy.
I do not believe you can tell someone to stop grieving and it happens. It is a process and it is not the same length for everyone. My mother still reflects on my step father and she misses him. However, she has gone on with her life and meeting someone new helped. (2 years later) It is still fresh for my father. Daddy is 76 and has lost his best friend. If I lost my best friend, Jackie, I would be a hot mess. He does not want to grieve in public so he likes to go home to be sad. He looks at her pictures and watches her memory CD and feels closer to her. What is wrong with that. He still goes places and answers the phone.
Grieving has many different phases: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I think that he is on level 4/5 is pretty good. I have been divorced for 10.5 years and have gone back and forth over all the phases. Even though I know the divorce was a good thing, I still get angry over 2 educated adults acting that way....one of my spiral issues was realizing that this next month I should have been celebrating my 25th wedding anniversary....then when Bob comes home kisses, hugs me and asks how I am feeling...acceptance/tolerance is so powerful. See, as miserable as you all have been reading about my pain, he has been living it along with me. I love him. So the next time you see us around, buy the guy a beer, he could really use it.
So, I guess what I want to express here is that just because you think someone is grieving too long....have some empathy....
About 6 years ago we lost my step father. I was sad at his loss, but to see my mother in such a very sad state devastated me. What I thought would be a few days off work ended up being the week of bereavement given by the district.
Recently (August) I lost my step mother. That was a loss I could only compare slightly to my divorce. Getting over a loved one is hard. I was a lot closer to her than my step father, so the loss was a deeper wound. She was a wonderful woman who stirred it up where ever she went. In my experience she was one of those people who could brighten a room of people with a dirty joke and a sly smile. My kind of person. But the sadness my father is still experiencing is breaking my heart.
Now, I am struggling with my siblings who feel my father just wants to be sad. Well why shouldn't he be sad? Kathleen was perfectly healthy, so healthy that 2 weeks before she died she was bragging about how her Dr. had commented on how healthy she was. You cannot foresee a stroke. So, Daddy has had to endure his loss along with Thanksgiving and Christmas all within 5 months of her passing. She was a retired Home Ec. teacher so think of those holidays without her cooking. Grieving is healthy.
I do not believe you can tell someone to stop grieving and it happens. It is a process and it is not the same length for everyone. My mother still reflects on my step father and she misses him. However, she has gone on with her life and meeting someone new helped. (2 years later) It is still fresh for my father. Daddy is 76 and has lost his best friend. If I lost my best friend, Jackie, I would be a hot mess. He does not want to grieve in public so he likes to go home to be sad. He looks at her pictures and watches her memory CD and feels closer to her. What is wrong with that. He still goes places and answers the phone.
Grieving has many different phases: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I think that he is on level 4/5 is pretty good. I have been divorced for 10.5 years and have gone back and forth over all the phases. Even though I know the divorce was a good thing, I still get angry over 2 educated adults acting that way....one of my spiral issues was realizing that this next month I should have been celebrating my 25th wedding anniversary....then when Bob comes home kisses, hugs me and asks how I am feeling...acceptance/tolerance is so powerful. See, as miserable as you all have been reading about my pain, he has been living it along with me. I love him. So the next time you see us around, buy the guy a beer, he could really use it.
So, I guess what I want to express here is that just because you think someone is grieving too long....have some empathy....
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Working out helps.
So after my cleansing blog earlier today I went to the gym. Sweating out all my emotions helped a lot! Also, watching divorce court and a few other judge shows proved I am not as jacked up as a lot of other people. It has also gotten me thinking about unconditional love. So what is unconditional love? Dictionary.com defines it as: affection with no limits or conditions; complete love. Well, apparently from the last 10 days...I do not have unconditional love. Can humans actually obtain this? I totally love my children without question, but there are times I am very upset with them and would prefer to not see or talk to them (they are 24 and 20). Is that unconditional love? I love my parents without question too, but there are times I am glad I live so far away. Is that unconditional love? The only person I know of that truly exhibited unconditional love is Jesus Christ. We talk a lot about unconditional love, but I don't think as humans we are capable of it hence the reason we are always asking God for forgiveness. If there was so much unconditional love then the divorce rate would not be so high. Just an opinion from the unstable.
Well, I think I have confused unconditional love with being easy going and holding in feelings so as not to hurt another person's feelings. I think I have gone overboard with that and have become an emotional carpet for others to walk on and take advantage of. I have for months been trying to say what is bothering me rather than holding it in until I explode over something earth shattering important like who did dishes last. Well, I don't want unconditional love from anyone. Flawed is what I am....human is what I am....and I have needs I want the people who love me to validate. I want someone to love me enough to want me to be happy (within reason), to want me to succeed, to want me to be the best person I can be, but still be strong, to want me around. These are the things I want for everyone around me and for myself.
This is just something that 63 minutes thinking on a treadmill will produce.
Well, I think I have confused unconditional love with being easy going and holding in feelings so as not to hurt another person's feelings. I think I have gone overboard with that and have become an emotional carpet for others to walk on and take advantage of. I have for months been trying to say what is bothering me rather than holding it in until I explode over something earth shattering important like who did dishes last. Well, I don't want unconditional love from anyone. Flawed is what I am....human is what I am....and I have needs I want the people who love me to validate. I want someone to love me enough to want me to be happy (within reason), to want me to succeed, to want me to be the best person I can be, but still be strong, to want me around. These are the things I want for everyone around me and for myself.
This is just something that 63 minutes thinking on a treadmill will produce.
Day 10 of blues
I have been spiraling downward for months. This last cliff jumping spiral started the 19th. I organized a cookie baking extravaganza for my and Bob's girls. The day was awesome. We made tons of cookies and when things were almost finished, started talking about Christmas. You see, with 6 kids between the two of us (4 are his and 2 of mine) I start early organizing for the holidays. November 11th, I sent out a facebook message to everyone talking about Thanksgiving, The Cookie Extravaganza and Christmas. The exact quote was (Christmas is on a Saturday.....are we in for the same schedule? Christmas evening for the Muehl-Parr Christmas?) Soooo, when we started to make final arrangements for food on Christmas, his girls thought we were getting together Christmas Eve. I mentioned the facebook message and nothing was said. Well, here we go. Their mother was so upset over the confusion that a giant argument started, so what happens. Bob is called and asked if WE can change our plans. Well, any change would cause our kids to not ALL be together. His ex refused to change, even though it was her kids with the misunderstanding, and a change in her schedule would still have ALL her kids together. So here I was left with having kids call me and say..."we don't know what to do?" Leaving me with what usually happens, changing my arrangements to make everyone but me and my kids happy. When I refused to commit, then they started calling their father crying about the awful things their mother and step father were saying. I try very hard to organize a wonderful holiday. So now he is coming to me to decide what to do. His oldest son (with another ex) claimed I had sent an email abbreviating evening. Ummm....first of all, I do not have everyone's email and 2nd the original message was sent to his wife not him. PMS has now arrived....I am livid that it all comes down to me to organize and then to fix when someone else screws up. It gets old. Basically, I became an emotional basket case. Always being the one to have to compromise because we are easy going. What kind of power does this lady have that her kids and ex refuse to stand up to her and why can't she ever have to compromise? Things kept getting worse, Bob and I were having the worst arguments we have ever had in 5 years. I just want to run away. So instead of an awesome Christmas, we are left with 2 half ass Christmases.
Now, Christmas Eve arrives and we are preparing for his kids to come over. They come over, eat, open presents, drink, and play games. When the whole half ass evening ends....I am laying in bed and Bob is in his computer chair bummed out. I ask what is up. He looks at me and asked if I had opened any presents because he did not (he was playing Santa). I went downstairs to get the 2 gift cards his girls gave us and brought them up. Then he mentioned he did not get anything from Bobby and Rachel (the oldest who is 29)
and wondered what he had done to piss them off. Now I am pissed.
The next day, we get together at my daughter's house for another half assed Christmas. So then, Sunday the spiral continued and on into Monday with a whole litany if BS I had to contend with and now today. I am so depressed I just want to leave town and never be seen again. I am tired of worry about everyone else's feelings that mine are not even an after thought with anyone EVER until I break.
So today I made some lists and am going to try to go on from there. I'm sure from someone else's perspective I sound very self centered and uncompromising, but I usually am the total opposite and have just lost my mind because of it.
Now, Christmas Eve arrives and we are preparing for his kids to come over. They come over, eat, open presents, drink, and play games. When the whole half ass evening ends....I am laying in bed and Bob is in his computer chair bummed out. I ask what is up. He looks at me and asked if I had opened any presents because he did not (he was playing Santa). I went downstairs to get the 2 gift cards his girls gave us and brought them up. Then he mentioned he did not get anything from Bobby and Rachel (the oldest who is 29)
and wondered what he had done to piss them off. Now I am pissed.
The next day, we get together at my daughter's house for another half assed Christmas. So then, Sunday the spiral continued and on into Monday with a whole litany if BS I had to contend with and now today. I am so depressed I just want to leave town and never be seen again. I am tired of worry about everyone else's feelings that mine are not even an after thought with anyone EVER until I break.
So today I made some lists and am going to try to go on from there. I'm sure from someone else's perspective I sound very self centered and uncompromising, but I usually am the total opposite and have just lost my mind because of it.
Things I am devistated about
1. fat
2. ugly
3. family
4. lonely
5. broke
6. feel as though I am needed for the wrong reasons
7. emotions
8. unsatisfied
9. forgotten
10. ignored
11. no goals
12. lack of affection & attention
13 conversation
14. crying for 10 days straight
15. life
16. no walks
17. no hand holding
18. not respected
19. letting work take over my entire life as an escape from the crappy one
20. bored
21. basically stagnant
22. do not want to wake up anymore
Things that need to change
1. goals
2. purpose
3. fun
4. laughing
5. needed for the right reasons
6. feeling of worthlessness
7. friendship
8. romance
9. trying new things (food, movies, plays, music, parks, festivals, wines, ect.
10. The want to come home after work
Reasons I fell in love
1. made me laugh
2. laughed at my imperfections
3. accepted my imperfections
4. gave me my first valentine present – rooster mugs and chocolate covered strawberries
5. wrote me a poem
6. bought me a hunting coat – I viewed that as wanting to spend more time with me
7. bought me a skillet I really wanted
8. played games
9. loved on me
10. listened
11. soft spoken
12. cared how I felt
13. cooked for me
14. was never negative toward me
15. lots of friends
16. appreciative
17. gave me a reason to wake up
18. gave me a reason to look forward to the weekends
19. visited Indiana with me
20 did not purposefully try to hurt me
21.
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